parte dos

Tonight I was thinking to myself - wondering why I often allow myself to be in less-than-desirable situations. It's not as if I don't realize what I'm getting myself into, or letting myself succumb to...I just don't care enough to stop it. I honestly think it's because I'm afraid of the inevitable loss, opposed to looking toward the possible gain. Certainty vs. uncertainty.

My old youth pastor said this tonight, as a part of his facebook status: "Life is fragile, live intentionally." For some reason tonight, as I look out the window at the lights illuminating U-Village, this resonates with me. What am I doing to live my life intentionally? Are my decisions at the present helping or harming my future?

Just some food for thought :)

Ordinary Girl

Wow!! It's been far too long since I sat down and wrote for anything besides academia. My last post is from October 7 - nearly a month ago - and I'm pretty sure that is the absolute longest I've gone without writing a blog, or in my private journal, since I started writing down my thoughts consistently during my sophomore year of high school. How crazy is that?! I've been constantly narrating my life using lyrics, poems, anecdotes or diary-like posts/journal entries for over four years! Incredible...

I've obviously been super busy. School (first round of midterms complete...now onto round two!), work, the gym and attempting a social life has kept me busy at nearly every moment. Halloweek was a great success. I had so much fun with my girls! The progression of my costumes is as follows: boxer, Tom Cruise from Risky Business, green crayon & a nerd.

Rachel the scientist, Danielle the French maid

Of course Danielle & Regan were kitties :)

All the girls - 8 pack!

Kayla was Victoria Beckham...and looked the part! Can't believe we went to dinner downtown looking like this!

Pretty damn epic if I say so myself :) It was a great weekend, albeit unproductive, but great. Snapped back to reality last night when I realized I had a midterm tomorrow...yikes! So here I am, sitting in the library BLOGGING instead of studying. I'm horrible.

Hmm...so let's see here. Life. I can't really complain right now which is refreshing! :) I'm surrounded by the greatest friends I could have ever imagined and I'm building relationships with them that I'm positive will last a lifetime. It's one of those things you always think about when you're younger...questions like: Who will be at my wedding? Who is going to be the "pseudo-aunt/uncle" to my kids when that time comes around? Who do I want to live down the street from in an ideal world? I feel like some of these questions will be answered this year and that seems so surreal to me, but it's absolutely incredible!

One of my best friends told me awhile ago that I need to "evaluate" myself - figure out what I want, what I need, etc. I've been working on that the past month or so. Really digging into my soul to figure out what it is that's best for me. What I've decided is that what I want and what I need are two very different things right now. What I ultimately want, I'm not ready for. So why would I want to waste that now when I know that it's not the right timing? This has been a tricky realization - but I know that it's what is best right now :) Despite my moments of frustration and breakdown, I know that the situation I'm in currently is going to be okay because right now - I'm not ready for more, and I don't want to accept less. I'm in the middle-ground, and as annoying as that is sometimes, it is ideal. Many may not understand why I put up with this, but unless they have been there themselves, it's hard to really know.

Due to this new outlook, my previous post has been resolved. As much as I care - this thorn cannot consume my thoughts. It's a small bump in the road, and I'm confident that things will be sorted out in due time. And it's great to realize that each day I wake up, it is easier to accept that fact.

However scattered this blog is, the "word vomit" was necessary. I can never let myself go this long without writing again because this is only a scratch at the surface of what has been going through my mind the past month. On a completely random note, this reggae I'm listening to in the library is making me wanna dance - but I should really be studying above everything else...so here we go! Back to biopsychology ;)

I'll leave you with this, from Rebelution's song "Ordinary Girl" that's currently BLARING through my headphones...I someday want a boy to sing me this entire song:

"You're no ordinary girl, yeah you always speak your mind

You're no ordinary girl, yeah you're one of a kind

You're no ordinary girl, yeah well I can see it in your eyes

You're no ordinary girl, yeah oh yes that's right"

Peace and love (as always).

Incomplete

I've started attempted to start this post about ten times in the past twelve hours...and I think I've decided that my problem is the fact my mind is in about a million different places at the moment. Part of me feels selfish for worrying about the "little things" but right now, to me, these things are consuming.

Friendship is always something that has run parallel to disappointment for me. I hate to be negative about something that can be such a joyous and beautiful thing - but for whatever reasons I have had a tough time discovering (or keeping) friends over the years. I've lost good friends & great friends through petty arguments, stupid "girl drama" and for reasons unknown to me. That being said, however, the people I consider to be my true friends are INCREDIBLE. I cannot emphasize enough how lucky I am to be surrounded by them...and I would give absolutely anything for them. I've mentioned in previous blogs that I put 100% into relationships - friendship included. I don't half-ass care about my friends, I love with everything in me. 

From disappointment, however, I've begun to build walls. Strong fortresses to surround my heart. I'm careful with whom I disclose information important to me, and opening up on deep emotional levels does not come easy anymore. 

I've met very few people in recent years that I can sit down and have a real conversation with - one where I am completely unafraid of their reactions. I'm talking about somebody that I can spill my guts to, say exactly what I'm thinking at any moment (and have them legitimately understand), call them blacked out & crying and know that the next time we talk or see each other everything will be okay. Over the past few months, every single brick from my wall came down...and surprisingly it was easy. I don't think I've ever had a friendship feel so comfortable, especially so early-on. 

Yet, here I am. I'm disappointed; I'm frustrated; I'm sad; I feel wasted. 

I really do not know what I would have done without you, so thank you for being there when I needed it most - but I still need want you around now. With the heartbreaking news of Carly Henley last night, I can't help but realize how much true friendship does mean, and yours means a lot. Obviously more than you realize, 'cause I'm kinda missing my best friend right now.

I'll close with this, because I don't really know what else to say that would do much good: We're alive, we're living, and we shouldn't be taking any moments for granted. 

Solemn

My heart goes out to the families and friends of both Carly Henley (UW) and Dwight Clark (WWU). It has been a difficult day for colleges in Washington State today. As we mourn the loss of these two individuals, may we all become more grateful of those around us and aware of our own blessings. Don't take life for granted <3

Standing Right In Front Of You - Keith Urban

Out on the street corner
Just like every morning I sit here
And I watch you walk my way
And even though I don’t know you
As you get closer I swear I feel
My heart start racing, aching
Maybe it’s in my mind
And maybe I’m only dreaming
And I swear you catch my eye
As you walk on by
Oh why you gotta leave me so blue

Baby why can’t you see
That I’m the only one for you
You could search the world over
But you’ll never find another so true
Cause if you’re looking for love
I’m standing right in front of you

I bet your heart, like mine
Has been broken by someone
We never should have given it to (oh no)
So we put up a wall to keep from falling so hard
It’s so sad
Cause there’s such good love inside
And I’ve been hoping that I might find
Someone who feels the same way
Someone to share my life
On this beautiful ride together
We could see it all through

Baby why can’t you see
That I’m the only one for you
You could search the world over
But you’ll never find another so true
Cause if you’re looking for love
I’m standing right in front of you

So this morning I’m just going to walk up and say hello to you
Cause if given a choice between love and being alone
I know which one
I know which one I choose
And give me a chance
I’d be a better man for you (I believe I would)
And open your heart girl
Let me make your dreams come true

You can search the world over
But I can take it to the moon
Cause if you’re looking for love
I’m standing right in front of you (yes I am)
Standing right in front of you
Open your eyes, I’m standing right in front of you
Just give me a chance baby
I'm standing right in front of you