gracias :]

I've been doing a lot of cleaning - hypothetically and literally - and it has got me thinking about you. Each of you have impacted my life so greatly and I cannot thank you enough. As I move onto a very different chapter of my life, I think it's crucial that you know how you've impacted who I am, who I was and who I hope to be. A few of you may think I'm full of shit, and another few of you may think "No way!" but I swear to you, each and every sentence below is true. I excluded names, not because I don't want people to know, but because I feel like you'll know who you are. Thank you, I mean it.

uno
You've been somebody I have looked up to since the first day I met you. You're intelligent, beautiful, compassionate and simply amazing. I wouldn't have survived sophomore year (or any other year, for that matter) with out you. I think about you all the time and how you have been a constant supporter of my life - I'll never be able to eat an Oat Fudge Bar without you...ever.

dos
Thank you for taking me to Bite of Seattle when I'm sad, making me laugh and supporting me through EVERYTHING. I'm going to miss you more than you realize...

tres
I may never understand why you did what you did, and why you treat me the way you do now. But I hope you understand that the reasons you gave me were all wrong - I did love you, and you just couldn't see it. One day, I hope you will be able to be my friend.

cuatro
You were the true definition of "best friend" and I'm sad to see that we no longer share that relationship. You taught me so much about myself, about being a friend, and about going for my dreams. Thank you for all of the laughs, letting me cry on your shoulder, and teaching me to be a stronger individual. I will never forget our summers, our memories, or you.

cinco
You're one of my best friends, and I'm fortunate I met you as a sophomore when I felt completely alone. Your smiling face & contagious laugh have comforted me through many frustrating moments of my high school life. Thank you for being a true friend, through everything. I'm thankful that we have become much closer over this past year...and I attribute a lot of that to our Vegas trip & late night sneak-out to Bobby's room. :] Love you girl, miss you tons.

seis
You're the best friend I could ever ask for, and the best big sister I always wanted. You're incredible - and I would not have made it this year without your friendship. You've been there whenever I've needed you, and I cherish all of our memories we've created in such a short amount of time. You're the one person I know I can count on at all times (even if it's just for a day in pajamas watching movies) and the girl I can trust to walk the "walk of shame" right along with me and hand me the bottle when I need/want it most. I love youuuuu.

siete
Thank you for loving me, whether I deserved it or not. Without you I wouldn't be the person I am today. You are a part of my life that I will never forget, and never regret.

ocho
You've put up with my shit for over a year now, and I'm glad you haven't killed me yet. Here's to another year, right? :] (I'm not counting on the fact that you won't kill me) You've taught me a lot about myself, whether you know it or not. Our similarities sometimes freak me out, and the amount of times we've been able to say "WE WOULD!" is a bit concerning, but I love you all the same. Thanks for making my senior year one to remember.

nueve
I remember this one night that you came over and sat on my porch, then layed in my front yard just talking for hours. Those were the days. You truly changed my outlook on life. Thanks.

diez
Your constant encouragement and willingness to listen has been such a blessing. I would not be the same person without you in my life, and I hope you knew that before reading this. Beside the fact that we led parallel lives for awhile there, I just enjoy being able to talk to you (about EVERYTHING) with no regrets and the knowledge I know you're not going to judge me. I hope things never change between us, and you better expect visits from me when you move to NYC and do what you always dreamed of doing! :]

once
Thank you for showing me how to have a good time, and introducing me to the best sushi roll ever. I miss you already, but you're always welcome to visit ;] I'll try to answer your 2am phone calls more often :] You truly made my summer - and my life in general - ten thousand times better. Love you trick.

doce
I look up to you in every way imaginable. You are the most beautiful, courageous girl I know. You're a true girl of God and I wish to someday be as influential as you have already been. I hope we continue to stay in each others lives throughout college.

Why?!

Why does the world always seem to spin this way? Where something in your life can be so perfect and in the same day something else can be gut-wrenching horrible.
It's like I have a guilt about me for being so unbelievably happy about one thing while I grieve for others.

Conflicting emotions. Agh.

Something is off

I don't know what it is. But at least once a day I get this horrible feeling in my gut that makes me just want to cry. Could be friends that have turned out to be not so fantastic, the fact that I'm leaving, or small things that are just adding up. Regardless, it's frustrating. And I wish I could just escape to Hawaii or somewhere equally as relaxing for a few weeks and just chill before school starts. Get it all out of my system, per-say. All I know is that something is off - I'm not fully happy, and I should be. I should be able to be completely and utterly joyous for my last month of living at home. It shouldn't be like this...

'nuff said

I hate goodbyes :[

A summer cleanse...

So here I am, taking a break from cleaning my hell-hole of a room...and it amazes me when I come across items (lost, forgotten or intentionally hid away) that bring back memories of me. From past summers; old boyfriends; my upbringing; past hobbies; best friends that have drifted away; letters that are partially ripped from thinking that the destruction would ease the pain; CDs of pictures, slideshows or juvenile mixes; ribbons and medals from my gymnastics days, etc.
Talk about uncovering my past.

This move to Seattle is going to be SO good for me. :]

Silver Birch against a Swedish sky
The singer in the band made me want to cry
We’re all inside our own heads now
We are leaving new friends
We are leaving this town
I wish you could be here with me
I would show you off like a trophy
The road it winds, it twists, it turns, now my stomach burns

Once again I’ll be the foolish one
Thinking a blink of these lashes would make you come
Don’t you worry, don’t get in a state
I don’t believe in true love anyway
Who’s being pessimistic now
I could document this as our first and our last row
The more you look forlorn, the more to you I warm

I won’t be seeing you for a long while
I hope it’s not as long as a country mile
I feel lost

I'm in a Dashboard Confessional sort of mood...

And its making me realize that I have few people in this world that I can truly count on.
To those few, thanks & I love you.

Perplexed

I am wholeheartedly confused as to why this is all happening to me now - a little more than a month before I go to college. Why do I feel as though everything is falling into place? Not perfect place, but place enough for now.
I go to bed smiling, I wake up smiling, I smile throughout the day. My friends (the ones I have found to be true) are incredible, yet the majority of them will be leaving in less than two weeks to various colleges around the state and country. I also feel like I'm finally discovering WHO I AM. That awful question everybody fusses around with and constantly tries to answer as their adolescent years come to a close...and I feel like I'm beginning to find the solution.
Maybe I'm being too sentimental, maybe I'm thinking too much about every little situation. But, for now, I feel like life is near to perfect and I am terrified for it to start all over again on September 24 when I move out of this home (leaving behind what seems like countless memories and experiences) and move into my own place to start my entire life ahead of me.
I am so afraid that everything I have begun here (friends, relationships, experiences, memories) will be forgotten when I step on to campus and attempt to find my way again...but for now - I just want to know why all of this greatness had to happen right before the world shifted.

Wow.