Advice from a good friend

"...at the end of the day being with someone in somewhat of a romantic capacity relationship or not is a choice. People make these decisions for a variety of reasons which span from truly being in love to not wanting to be/not knowing how to be alone. Unfortunately a majority of people convince themselves it's love when really it's the exact opposite. Although I'm a true believer in that we will never know if it's true love and that love is something different for every individual couple I don't believe that this decision should be made unless there is a true possibility of that love. And the fact of the matter is that you can't love, nor can't be loved (in a fruitful and healthy way) until you love yourself. That is until you love and accept yourself without any other influence. I know it seems dumb/rhetorical and it's tough as shit but it's not only healthy but also better in the long run. We as humans inherently use an emotional framework to make pretty logical decisions. It's irrational."

THANK YOU :)

picture & quote of the day

translation : life is more than merely staying alive

p.s. - this picture was taken from my window...beautiful (and humid) day in Seattle <3

She's Out of My League

Watched "She's Out of My League" last night with Kayla, Rach & Jason.

So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that. 

He's got a point.

So, it really sucks when you feel like you know a person inside and out and then all of a sudden everything changes.

Blank

It's a bit dreary here today. But I am inspired to write for the first time in what feels like forever and I'm not quite sure why. I'm sitting in my room listening to the rain (and an amazing "modern mixtape" from my best friend) drinking my iced pumpkin spice americano and I have A LOT on my mind. So much so that I'm not exactly sure what this post is going to turn into. I'm drowning in my own thoughts...so fasten your seat belts readers ;)

I've been thinking a lot about genuine happiness lately. I actually wasn't thinking about it much until I started to talk about with with somebody who's a bit like my confidante. We are both in similar (if not the same) boats in the fact that there is a lot up in the air. I don't know what is going to make me genuinely happy right now...moving back to school, fixing things with my parents, getting into a relationship, starting over, ridding myself of stress-causers? I don't know. Maybe one of these things is the ticket to happiness, but I really have no clue. All I know is that I'm NOT genuinely happy right now. I get up and walk through my day and go to bed that night feeling unaccomplished, unmotivated and unenthusiastic. I hate it - but at the same time, I don't know how to change it. I'd love to just BE happy, but it's not that simple. I was happy 2 months ago - but things were different. My home life was different, my relationships with friends and lovers was different, I wasn't counting down the days until Seattle. I guess you could say that I'm currently "on the pursuit of happiness." This isn't a bad place to be, I suppose, going into my sophomore year of college. In the movie with Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness, there's a quote I remember as Smith's character is feeling really low (granted I didn't remember the entire thing, thank you IMDB :) He, as the narrator, says:

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

My outlook is different than this, though. There IS happiness and that is something that I am 100% sure about. I'm sure the tables will turn soon and I'll forget about this moment, right here & now.

Another thing I've been thinking lots about lately is unsureness. I, too, need to figure out what I want out of my life right now. But a lot of what's been weighing me down is what seems to be the hype of high school/college dating these days is "gaming." Wheeling and dealing your way into a relationship only to bail out or string along the other party. And to be perfectly honest, it drives me crazy. If you want something, and really want it - GO FOR IT. There shouldn't be a major decision making process in figuring out if the other person is worth it or not. (Hmm...maybe I should take a piece of my own advice). But, seriously?! What is with this game playing?!? You either want me, or not...and I'd prefer you make up your mind sooner rather than later. Because as of now, I'm exhausted and done trying to figure your shit out. You're a lost cause.

In happy news - I'm going to coffee tomorrow with Kate and Frejya and I'm so excited. I miss Kate so much, she was like a mom/big sister to me for so many years and I want to catch up on each other's lives. Plus I get to meet Frejya...she's ADORABLE :) Then afterward I'm going to Seattle to get some shopping done. I have the car for the day so I have to make the most of it, of course!

I can't write anymore, my brain hurts and I don't know what else to say at the moment. More to come, as usual.

B&W

Sometimes I feel like life would be easiest if there was a clear-cut answer: black & white, right & wrong, etc. Things would be much more simplistic and easy...almost as if the answers were laid out in front of you. It would be plain and simple, literally. No funny business - which would be nice for a change. Black and white seems more...honest?

But how boring would living in black and white be when you can be surrounded by the beauty and complexity of color on a daily basis? Whenever I wish things were more simple, I begin to think of how plain/boring things would be as well.

I'll put up with the wishy-washyness of life for awhile as long as I get to enjoy the beauty of it all along the way.