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It's a bit dreary here today. But I am inspired to write for the first time in what feels like forever and I'm not quite sure why. I'm sitting in my room listening to the rain (and an amazing "modern mixtape" from my best friend) drinking my iced pumpkin spice americano and I have A LOT on my mind. So much so that I'm not exactly sure what this post is going to turn into. I'm drowning in my own thoughts...so fasten your seat belts readers ;)

I've been thinking a lot about genuine happiness lately. I actually wasn't thinking about it much until I started to talk about with with somebody who's a bit like my confidante. We are both in similar (if not the same) boats in the fact that there is a lot up in the air. I don't know what is going to make me genuinely happy right now...moving back to school, fixing things with my parents, getting into a relationship, starting over, ridding myself of stress-causers? I don't know. Maybe one of these things is the ticket to happiness, but I really have no clue. All I know is that I'm NOT genuinely happy right now. I get up and walk through my day and go to bed that night feeling unaccomplished, unmotivated and unenthusiastic. I hate it - but at the same time, I don't know how to change it. I'd love to just BE happy, but it's not that simple. I was happy 2 months ago - but things were different. My home life was different, my relationships with friends and lovers was different, I wasn't counting down the days until Seattle. I guess you could say that I'm currently "on the pursuit of happiness." This isn't a bad place to be, I suppose, going into my sophomore year of college. In the movie with Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness, there's a quote I remember as Smith's character is feeling really low (granted I didn't remember the entire thing, thank you IMDB :) He, as the narrator, says:

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

My outlook is different than this, though. There IS happiness and that is something that I am 100% sure about. I'm sure the tables will turn soon and I'll forget about this moment, right here & now.

Another thing I've been thinking lots about lately is unsureness. I, too, need to figure out what I want out of my life right now. But a lot of what's been weighing me down is what seems to be the hype of high school/college dating these days is "gaming." Wheeling and dealing your way into a relationship only to bail out or string along the other party. And to be perfectly honest, it drives me crazy. If you want something, and really want it - GO FOR IT. There shouldn't be a major decision making process in figuring out if the other person is worth it or not. (Hmm...maybe I should take a piece of my own advice). But, seriously?! What is with this game playing?!? You either want me, or not...and I'd prefer you make up your mind sooner rather than later. Because as of now, I'm exhausted and done trying to figure your shit out. You're a lost cause.

In happy news - I'm going to coffee tomorrow with Kate and Frejya and I'm so excited. I miss Kate so much, she was like a mom/big sister to me for so many years and I want to catch up on each other's lives. Plus I get to meet Frejya...she's ADORABLE :) Then afterward I'm going to Seattle to get some shopping done. I have the car for the day so I have to make the most of it, of course!

I can't write anymore, my brain hurts and I don't know what else to say at the moment. More to come, as usual.