She's Out of My League

Watched "She's Out of My League" last night with Kayla, Rach & Jason.

So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that. 

He's got a point.

So, it really sucks when you feel like you know a person inside and out and then all of a sudden everything changes.

Blank

It's a bit dreary here today. But I am inspired to write for the first time in what feels like forever and I'm not quite sure why. I'm sitting in my room listening to the rain (and an amazing "modern mixtape" from my best friend) drinking my iced pumpkin spice americano and I have A LOT on my mind. So much so that I'm not exactly sure what this post is going to turn into. I'm drowning in my own thoughts...so fasten your seat belts readers ;)

I've been thinking a lot about genuine happiness lately. I actually wasn't thinking about it much until I started to talk about with with somebody who's a bit like my confidante. We are both in similar (if not the same) boats in the fact that there is a lot up in the air. I don't know what is going to make me genuinely happy right now...moving back to school, fixing things with my parents, getting into a relationship, starting over, ridding myself of stress-causers? I don't know. Maybe one of these things is the ticket to happiness, but I really have no clue. All I know is that I'm NOT genuinely happy right now. I get up and walk through my day and go to bed that night feeling unaccomplished, unmotivated and unenthusiastic. I hate it - but at the same time, I don't know how to change it. I'd love to just BE happy, but it's not that simple. I was happy 2 months ago - but things were different. My home life was different, my relationships with friends and lovers was different, I wasn't counting down the days until Seattle. I guess you could say that I'm currently "on the pursuit of happiness." This isn't a bad place to be, I suppose, going into my sophomore year of college. In the movie with Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness, there's a quote I remember as Smith's character is feeling really low (granted I didn't remember the entire thing, thank you IMDB :) He, as the narrator, says:

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

My outlook is different than this, though. There IS happiness and that is something that I am 100% sure about. I'm sure the tables will turn soon and I'll forget about this moment, right here & now.

Another thing I've been thinking lots about lately is unsureness. I, too, need to figure out what I want out of my life right now. But a lot of what's been weighing me down is what seems to be the hype of high school/college dating these days is "gaming." Wheeling and dealing your way into a relationship only to bail out or string along the other party. And to be perfectly honest, it drives me crazy. If you want something, and really want it - GO FOR IT. There shouldn't be a major decision making process in figuring out if the other person is worth it or not. (Hmm...maybe I should take a piece of my own advice). But, seriously?! What is with this game playing?!? You either want me, or not...and I'd prefer you make up your mind sooner rather than later. Because as of now, I'm exhausted and done trying to figure your shit out. You're a lost cause.

In happy news - I'm going to coffee tomorrow with Kate and Frejya and I'm so excited. I miss Kate so much, she was like a mom/big sister to me for so many years and I want to catch up on each other's lives. Plus I get to meet Frejya...she's ADORABLE :) Then afterward I'm going to Seattle to get some shopping done. I have the car for the day so I have to make the most of it, of course!

I can't write anymore, my brain hurts and I don't know what else to say at the moment. More to come, as usual.

B&W

Sometimes I feel like life would be easiest if there was a clear-cut answer: black & white, right & wrong, etc. Things would be much more simplistic and easy...almost as if the answers were laid out in front of you. It would be plain and simple, literally. No funny business - which would be nice for a change. Black and white seems more...honest?

But how boring would living in black and white be when you can be surrounded by the beauty and complexity of color on a daily basis? Whenever I wish things were more simple, I begin to think of how plain/boring things would be as well.

I'll put up with the wishy-washyness of life for awhile as long as I get to enjoy the beauty of it all along the way.

Tendencies & normalcy

It's crazy what one year can do to you. What seemed normal and comfortable for me for 18 years of my life was this:

• living in Puyallup
• having rules
• knowing the streets backward & forward and being able to notice minute changes in signage, traffic signals, etc.
• working out at the good ol' Mel Korum Y every day
• realizing that on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night your best bet of hanging out with people was either going to a movie, bowling at Daffodil, hanging out at Big Foot or getting out of Puyallup and going somewhere else

And now after only one year of living away from home and in Seattle at UW all of this (what felt so normal for so long) feels unbelievably wrong. I am literally counting down the days until I can move back to what feels like home now. The Seattle lights, the constant bustle of a college campus nestled in the city, the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want to, the knowledge that there is always somebody there to talk to, and the parties are calling my name...I miss everything about the university lifestyle. Only 19 days til I get to go home :) I don't plan on spending another summer in Puyallup - I will do anything to avoid it to be perfectly honest.

I wanted to write about something else - tendencies - hence the title of this blog. But I can't seem to find the right words to express my disappointment in myself at the moment. And I don't feel like I could poetically state what's going on in my brain. So I'll leave it at this...habits are shitty and I wish I could get out of my rut.

The End.