Incomplete

I've started attempted to start this post about ten times in the past twelve hours...and I think I've decided that my problem is the fact my mind is in about a million different places at the moment. Part of me feels selfish for worrying about the "little things" but right now, to me, these things are consuming.

Friendship is always something that has run parallel to disappointment for me. I hate to be negative about something that can be such a joyous and beautiful thing - but for whatever reasons I have had a tough time discovering (or keeping) friends over the years. I've lost good friends & great friends through petty arguments, stupid "girl drama" and for reasons unknown to me. That being said, however, the people I consider to be my true friends are INCREDIBLE. I cannot emphasize enough how lucky I am to be surrounded by them...and I would give absolutely anything for them. I've mentioned in previous blogs that I put 100% into relationships - friendship included. I don't half-ass care about my friends, I love with everything in me. 

From disappointment, however, I've begun to build walls. Strong fortresses to surround my heart. I'm careful with whom I disclose information important to me, and opening up on deep emotional levels does not come easy anymore. 

I've met very few people in recent years that I can sit down and have a real conversation with - one where I am completely unafraid of their reactions. I'm talking about somebody that I can spill my guts to, say exactly what I'm thinking at any moment (and have them legitimately understand), call them blacked out & crying and know that the next time we talk or see each other everything will be okay. Over the past few months, every single brick from my wall came down...and surprisingly it was easy. I don't think I've ever had a friendship feel so comfortable, especially so early-on. 

Yet, here I am. I'm disappointed; I'm frustrated; I'm sad; I feel wasted. 

I really do not know what I would have done without you, so thank you for being there when I needed it most - but I still need want you around now. With the heartbreaking news of Carly Henley last night, I can't help but realize how much true friendship does mean, and yours means a lot. Obviously more than you realize, 'cause I'm kinda missing my best friend right now.

I'll close with this, because I don't really know what else to say that would do much good: We're alive, we're living, and we shouldn't be taking any moments for granted.