Off my chest

I feel like everybody has a few things about them that they spend a lot of time questioning, “Why am I like this? Why do I think this way?” A lot of people think that these things are bad qualities, but I’ve recently begun to understand and accept these portions of myself…and it’s relieving. I have become less “ashamed” (not like I was ever REALLY ashamed of them, more confused by them) and they’re things that I feel like sharing.

There are very few people in the world I feel like I can truly trust and count on. I’m not trying to be a pessimist when I say this, it’s just very true for me. Ever since I was little, I’ve had few girl friends, a lot of guy friends and (since high school) intermittent boyfriends. My “circle of trust” through all of these ages has been small – 4 or 5 people at a maximum that I really share things with. For everybody else, especially boys I may have been interested in, I build a giant brick wall. It’s almost like I don’t want people to find out the true me until I’m sure they’re gonna stick around for awhile. Unfortunately I’m bad at determining this last little tidbit of information, oops! hahah! Time after time I feel like I’m at a good point in a relationship to divulge more information about myself to people and I always feel great about it. It’s not like I have a huge secret I keep from everybody, I just am not going to talk about things I consider to be serious with people I don’t trust. But, time after time I regret my decision to break down my walls and let somebody in because I get hurt. I know that it is a fact of life to be occasionally let down or hurt by people you trust, but I’m fed up with it. I would like to be able to fully trust somebody, be fully accepted by somebody, without being hurt in the end. Each time this happens, it’s upsetting of course, but my walls get higher. It takes more effort to feel confident in somebody, and my trust issues get larger. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is.

Along with this, I’m also a very reliant person. I tend to put a lot of weight on what people tell me or let me tell them. It’s not that I’m not independent because, trust me, I love my space and feeling like my own person, it’s more that I enjoy having somebody that I can count on to make me feel better if I’m having a rough day. I like having a person (or multiple people) that I know can cheer me up, send me to bed with a smile on my face and just be there throughout the day to converse with. I guess that reliant may be a strong word, but the companionship I feel with some of my friends is what I really love. Reliance, unfortunately, tends to set me up for disappointment. Granted I have friends that I’ve maintained since kindergarten and first grade, the short term reliance on relationships, boys, etc. tends to be a problem for my emotional well-being. Having said this, I’m thankful to realize these things about myself and accept them for something that makes me, well, me! Knowing that I am this way, it’s easier to go into more recent relationships and friendships because I can control my emotions and actions to better myself in the long run. Self-improvement for the win!

On a side note, I’m currently driving home from Manson, WA and I always forget how much I love it there…I went for a nice, long run yesterday afternoon and it’s so much prettier to run through the country than it is to run through the city. Much more peaceful. I can’t wait to spend some good time over there during the summer with the pool, lake, orchard and SUNSHINE :] Summer, I’m counting down the days…